Acquired: Made in the Proud USA
Fun Fact: My wife cleaned the front of the refrigerator off today. There is nothing on it at all. I hope she knows that when Luke starts making art projects we aren't going to know what color the fridge is.
I wish arts and crafts didn't have to stop in Middle School. I think it was a fundamental part of school that should be a constant part of the curriculum at every step academia. I would have gotten a lot more out of higher level education if at least one class period a semester my college instructor left her copy of 'Leaves of Grass' at home and brought in a big box full of googly eyes and pipe cleaners. I was a rockstar at Arts and Crafts in my Middle School. I mean, there were no grades given and people didn't really take it seriously. In fact, a lot of people usually spent the designated hour talking and joking and did the same thing I spent the whole time period on in about ten minutes. Their projects may even have been better, but if there had been some award for arts and crafts...I probably would have covered it with googly eyes and pipe cleaners.
I loved that Arts and Crafts in Middle school meant that we could do some sort of Christmas Ornament project. Not only did it give me a chance to not have to learn anything, but it also gave me a chance to make a present which means that I did not have to buy a present.
Me: Thanks Uncle Steve for the Sega Genesis. I hope you like your pine cone covered in glitter.
Uncle Steve: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME UNCLE STEVE AGAIN!!!
Me: I made it for you....with love.
Steve: If I can find it at the bottom of a tree, it's not a gift.
Me: [Playing opening level of Sonic the Hedgehog] BESTGIFTEVER!!!!
So I thought we would look at a few ornaments that cannot be purchased down at Walmart. They can't be found on ebay (yet). They are one of a kind originals made by me through the great halls of John V. Leigh School.
This ornament was made in kindergarten which is both a time frame and an excuse for this one. It is supposed to be a bell based off the fact that on the underside of the ornament is one jingle bell. It doesn't ring now and I don't believe it rang in 1991. I know the date because I made no effort in 1991 to cut the yearbook identification strip off of the side or bottom of my picture which means nearly two thirds of the picture is not a picture of me at all. All the other kids cut theirs off of their ornaments but for some reason I decided not to. I think a group of girls had the scissors and I was so embarrassed to get up from my desk that I was willing to compromise the integrity of my ornament.
The Worse Case Scenario: They would have given me the scissors willingly but with some level of teasing.
The Best Case Scenario. They would have sat on me and used the scissors to trim back my bowl cut.
I am not sure the date on this ornament but you can tell I am still trying to hide my forehead from the world. Unfortunately, this ornament gets a 'C-' on the Arts and Crafts grading scale. The sleds are pre-made and the strings on the sled are already in place. The only thing that we had to do was successfully cut out a picture of ourselves and place it in the middle of the sled.
That's it.
If I were a teacher, I would not do this as an Arts and Crafts project because you have to stop and think that the kids would be done with this one in like 5 minutes. I guess you can count watching the sled dry as part of the activity. Needless to say, I am not a teacher of 4th graders.
My older brother did the same ornament as a project at some point in his academic career at John V. Leigh school. His Busy Work Sled is superior because he got to add another five minutes of work onto his sled and add glitter. We are academically five years apart which means that the teacher we took who offered this project must have had a dumpster full of these tiny sleds. I can only hope that year after year kids are uniting their yearbook photos to these same tiny sleds. I wonder if she retired before or after she ran out of sleds. Maybe she retired because she ran out of sleds.
That same year, we also made a Christmas Door Ornament. Whereas the Sled Ornament took 5 minutes, this one looks like it would have taken a good chunk of time that could have been spent otherwise learning. This looks like it would have involved a lot of math which is a skill none of us had because we were spending all of out time gluing our yearbooks photos to various objects in the name of tradition. To this day, I have no idea what a Christmas Door is supposed to be. As I stare at it now, it could be:
-Lucy's booth from the Peanuts cartoon
-a carnival dunk tank
-a coffin
- a wanted poster
-an old school Gameboy featuring the worst game ever made, Fat Kid Does Nothing.
Finally, we have a star ornament which demonstrates my skills got worse that year. For some reason, I outlined the base of the ornament for a yearbook picture in the event that I could not find the middle of a star. As you can see I grossly exaggerated the size of what I thought would be the dimensions of the picture which really sucks because it seems all I did in school up to that point was cut out my yearbook photo.
The other thing about this ornament that I don't like is that there is glitter everywhere in my house. I mean everywhere. My dogs have glitter on them. My ottoman has glitter on it. The camera I took these pictures with...covered. Year after year this ornament leaves a trail of glitter, yet there never appears to be any glitter missing from the ornament. Can anyone explain this Christmas phenomenon? I guess if someone breaks into my home and leaves all the jewelry and electronics and goes for the ornaments I will be able to find him and end his life in a way most befitting of the crime. Death by glitter.
This is how my younger brother made his. As you can see, the Black Line of Sorrow is also on his star as well. This tells me that our teacher had no idea how large to make the Photo Goes Here box. That information still doesn't make the ornament look any better, but at least I can point fingers at my inadequacies. He used twice as much glitter and half as much glue. If I am going to go to sleep before midnight, I am going to have to start cleaning up glitter now.
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