What the hell is this?

Years on the Tree: 1

Acquired: This “ornament” (if that’s what is really is) hails from Parts Unknown.

Fun Fact: The Ultimate Warrior is also from Parts Unknown. 

     Right now – and probably until I die – The Ultimate Warrior breaking into my house and leaving what I allege to be some sort of hanging decoration is the only theory I have behind both its origin and what the hell it is. Before we initiate Time To Sleep Mode for my son, I usually take Luke over to the Christmas Tree and we stop and look at the different ornaments and lights. He loves to look in amazement at all the colors of the lights and the feel of the candy canes he knows he can’t have. He giggles and squirms with delight whenever I “accidentally” touch his feet to the prickly branch ends. Every time we get to this “ornament” we both stare in confusion and if this were the Sunday Funnies our combined Father And Son thought bubble would read “..the hell?” Thus far, every ornament in the blog I have been able to unequivocally explain in one way, shape, or form its tie back to Christmas and why it deserves to be on the tree. But the way, shape, and form of this “ornament” has me hiccupping at the keyboard. 

     As a writer (someone who figured out how to post words on the Internet), I must first identify my subject. I just can’t keep typing “ornament” in quotation marks. It needs a name just like if a puppy were to show up at my front steps one day it would be called “the dog” until I gave it a name. The “ornament” won’t last any longer. But what am I going to dub this piece of crap?

......

     Meet Plopper. I thought of some other names, but now I can’t think of anything else but ‘Plopper’ and subsequent ways we could tie him to the holidays.

“Plopper Saves Christmas”

“The Year Without a Plopper”

“City Slickers III: The Search for Plopper’s Gold”

…and the list can go on and on and on (three was enough). But I am getting ahead of myself. We still have no idea what the hell it is. Let us start with what we think it could be:

1.Could Plopper be a fly? 

     No, I don’t think Plopper could be a fly. Yes, there appears to be a few similarities. Plopper does have wings and a thorax; however the fly theory is debunked due to the fact that Plopper has no legs, eyes, and not to mention that there is nothing inherently Christmassy about an ambiguous fly ornament. Put a fly ornament on a tree? Terrible idea! Why not just put a pickle on a Christmas tree and call it a tradition. 

2. Could Plopper be an angel?

     No, I see no resemblance here at all. 

3.Could Plopper be a fishing lure?

 

     Yes, based off of the slim notion and notwithstanding truism that a fishing lure is what goes on the end of a fishing pole line. If I may make a quick interjectory anecdote into an otherwise smoothly flowing and well transitioned blog entry; Rachel’s family is entirely comprised of outdoorsman. The adult males in her family all hunt, fish, and work on their trucks which means that I usually spend her family get-togethers methodically staring at the floor until I am asked to carry something to the car and drive home. A lot of outdoorsman activities are mainly about having the equipment… of which I have none. (The rod pictured is Rachel’s. Furthermore, the only tacklebox we own is used by Rachel to organize the bows for Sadie the Yorkie’s hair, so as you can see I am at a huge disadvantage here.) The next time an opportunity to present itself to go fishing pops up I am going to bring Plopper as my fishing lure. When asked what kind of lure it is, I will say something like, “Oh, this is my trusty double tail ring-a-dinger sniffle dwarf” so as to sound cool and fit in. I guarantee the fish have never seen a lure like this:

Fish 1: I think it is a big fly. Look at the thorax.

Fish 2: No, I don’t see any legs or eyes

Fish 1: Let’s get out of here.

[Exit both Fish]

4. Could Plopper be a bookmark?

    

      Yes, Plopper could be a bookmark; however, I do not recommend this as a vehicle used in finding his role in the universe. His “wings” badly damage the pages that are being marked which is the only indicator of where I left off reading as he consistently falls out of the book. Also, a Plopper Bookmark gives every book what appears to be an erection.

     These are all excellent, excellent guesses as to what Plopper could be considering we have no clue whatsoever. Having said that, we still don’t what the hell it is. Instead of the “what” question, maybe we can look at the “how”. How it is made may give us some insight. If I use my imagination, it looks as if someone glued two pawns’ bases together. This means:

     -Someone has ruined a perfectly good chess set to make this terrible ornament

     -If this were an accepted chess piece, would it have double pawn power? 

     The sad truth is we may never really know what Plopper is meant to be or why The Ultimate Warrior picked me to be the keeper of its great power/visual disaster. All joking aside, this is probably meant to be some form of an angel ornament. If that is the honest answer and angels look like Plopper, I will probably never ring another bell because I don’t want these things purposefully flying around.