The Awful Truth of which I am referring is that the merchandise you see stocked and represented on the store shelves probably has been sitting in the back of the store for months before actually making it out of the warehouse box. Even today, I was pricing Christmas trees and stocking stuffers when a big ol' truck shows up at the back of the store and gives me Valentines (February 14th....and it will not be long until Easter baskets start rolling off the belt either.)
The way to stay at least one step ahead is to get the crap out and in your customers' faces as soon as possible and with Christmas, there is a lot of steaming "merchandise" to shovel. So here's what when from my shovel to my cart.
When these guys first came in (September/October) I was like "Awesome!" Then I saw the price. Six bucks for a cookie flavor I don't like covered in a variety of candy that is not good on its own that I have to make myself using unflavored icing as an adhesive. No deal, Howie. Too much money, too much time, and not enough food. Once we factor in tax, you have to figure that this bad boy here costs as much as a Chipotle burrito. It is understood that both will give me uncontrollable bowel movements, but I could never live with myself knowing that Rachel gave/allowed me money for two Chipotle burritos and I pulled a 'Jack and the Giant Beanstalk' and brought back two Gingerbread Men for dinner instead.
Well that's just what I did. Never even saw the Magic Beans. There are beans in Chipotle burritos, but what they do to me ain't magic.
Actually, these guys were on Super Clearance because a lot of people thought the same thing I did. PLUS today was 25% Employee Discount day which means that I get an additional 10% off for surviving the grief that is the Christmas season. (Today is 12/21/12 - The Day the Mayan Calendar predicted would be the end of the world. I think it is funny that my company made TODAY the 25% Discount Day. Too funny.) So basically, I got these guys for cheap. This fact will not make the stale gingerbread taste any better mind you; it just means that I can walk away from this debacle knowing that somewhere, somebody made the same mistake...at full price.
Here are the Nutritional Facts:
Oh wow. They really expect this cookie monstrosity to have 10 servings? I think a large pizza from Papa Johns has 4 servings. I think it is crazy. So if I sat and ate this thing all by myself (which is always a possibility in this household.
Me: (driving home from work) Hey Rachel did you making anything for dinner tonight?
Luke: (in background): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Me: Okay. Leftovers sounds good to me, too.
According to the 'Nutritional' Facts, I would be ingesting 1500 calories. And did you see that Sodium count? 125mg which X 10 would make me retain enough H20 for my son to use me as a waterbed. The box includes some decorating ideas which as you know are unobtainable aspirations for what you could do and not what you will do. If anything, they should have really bad portrayals of Gingerbread Men creations as a confidence booster.
The pic on the left is clearly a Chippendale's Dancer Gingerbread Man. Every time I look at it, Loverboy's 'Everybody's Working for the Weekend' starts playing. I think the second Gingerbread Man should have been a very fat Chris Farley-esque Gingerbread Man. The pic on the right is intended to be a happy, festive winter Gingerbread Man, but the ends of his scarf looks like a broken rope and so I believe that this Gingerbread Man was hanged. His crime you ask? Running - possibly fast - from a crime scene. His smile is a smile of contentment because he is now at peace from his inner gumdrop demons. If Gingerbread Men were used as Rorscharch Tests I would be placed in a mental hospital. Fancy me crazy, but did you not see the '666' on the Gingerbread Man's forehead??
"Run. Run. As fast as YOU can. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!
So here is a blank slate GM (as it will be known for the remainder of the post).
And here is how my wife decorated hers.
Overall, she did a fantastic job and raised the bar for me. This is going to be tough to beat. Even the dogs want to get in on the action.
Sadie: On my signal, unleash hell.
Bentley: If we eat any of it we'll die.
Sadie: Then we wait.....
So Rachel raised the bar. But I took my GM decorating into a different direction. This has been a rough few weeks on me.
My soul has no peppermint buckles.
My Christmas spirit ran out of gumdrop buttons.
This is my inner Gingerbread Man:
I call him Gingy, Gingy the Pirate. I only used two pieces of the bag full of candy that was provided - a fact my wife pointed out as she made no attempt to cover her disapproval. He may not be glamorous, but he is my 2013 depiction of a Gingerbread man.
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things will cut you.
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