My college suitemates gave me crabs for Christmas

Years on the Tree: Since 2006. We have lost some, we have gained some. You can never quite get rid of crabs.
Acquired: Crane machines, thrift stores, pet aisle in St. Joe Walmarts
Fun Fact: If the Earth, Wind, Water, Fire, and Heart rings are to Captain Planet; then this pile of fluffy crustaceans is to the cast of Logan Hall 118. Just don't try summoning me after 10pm. That's Michael's time!

     The two sea crustaceans you see above might be the last of their kind that we have accounted for from the Fellowship of the Crabs. Every time I walk past the tree and lock my eyes with theirs I feel my heart begin to sag as their beady little eyes penetrate deep into my soul, asking the question "Where are the rest of us? Free us from these golden handcuffs so we can search!" Some readers will know exactly what these crabs represent and may even know them by name. That is how important these crabs were to the people who passed through Logan Hall Suite 118.

   Wolverine had his own origin story a few years ago and he had the big screen and a big budget. I don't have that kind of scratch lying around, but I guarantee you the origin of all these crabs is far more interesting. If I do win the lottery tomorrow, be on the look out in 2014 for Crab Doll Origins in IMAX 3D instead of just a sub-par blog post in the advent.

     Now, before we begin just remember that at one point every single sea crustacean you are about to meet was in a Christmas Tree at some point in my college suite. None of the following actually had an ornament hanger or could be construed as a Christmas ornament. Let us look at the definition of the word 'ornament' before I legitimize what I am about to do:

or·na·ment 

[awr-nuh-muh nt; awr-nuh-ment, -muh nt] 

noun

1.an accessory, article, or detail used to beautify the appearance of something to which it is added or of which it is a part: architectural ornaments.

2.a system, category, or style of such objects or features; ornamentation: a book on Gothic ornament.

3.any adornment or means of adornment.

4.a person or thing that adds to the credit or glory of a society, era, etc.

5.the act of adorning.  

 

There you have it! We adorned the hell out of that place...with crabs. I have my personal favorite who you will meet later, but I want to know who is your favorite. I want you to vote for your favorite whether you got the chance to fling these around that pigsty of a suite or are meeting them for the first time here today. Meet the gang:

 

 

     This was the one that started it all Crabz with a Z- not just the collection of crabs, but my friendship amongst the suite mates. You see, the suite had a place for four people and Cody, Luke, and Cole all knew each other from the previous year. This meant the fourth suite mate (i.e. Me) wouldn't know anyone on campus, let alone the people I would be living with. (I was told at a later date that when they saw that their new roommate was named "DeFelice" they thought I was black. What they got was the whitest person who has ever lived.)

 

     So I moved in on a Friday and didn't really talk in depth too much with anyone in the suite. Same for Saturday.  Same for Sunday. However, Sunday night Luke, Cole, and I had to go to Walmart (a new tradition in itself) and we passed a crane game where I locked eyes with this crab doll (I really need to stop looking crab dolls in the eye, no good has come from it) and I mention just how goofy it looks. My memory is a little sketchy on important matters such as these, but I don't know if it took Cole one or two attempts but we were taking this guy back to the suite with us as a mascot and from there it appeared there was no end in sight.

     I wanna say we named this one is named Pinchy, after Home Simpsons pet Lobster from when the show was worth watching. I am not 100% sure and I am not regretting making this the second crustacean out of the chute. I really should have put him more in the middle and definitely thought this sentence and not typed it. What sucks is that I have spent a good part of the morning trying to remember his name and I know one of my suite mates will come to my rescue in the Comment section below. Let's Go Griffon Alumni! 

     Meet Starburst. I want to say this was named or purchased by Jeannie who was dating Suite Mate Luke. You know its love when the woman you are dating will not only accept the ridiculous rituals, but also add to the tomfoolery. 

  
       Here is Sir Crabs-A-Lot. We used to throw these crustaceans at each other as sort of a "Welcome Home!" or "You walked out of your bedroom!" surprise. I remember Sir Crabs-A-Lot having the heaviest of the beaded eyes which meant that whoever wielded Sir Crabs-A-Lot had power and with great crabs, comes great responsibility.

  
     Here is Snips.

     Snips is congruent to Sir Crabs-A-Lot.

     I don't have a lot to say about Snips.

     We named this guy Sebastian, Sebastian the Crab. I fear that as soon as I hit the 'Publish' button Disney executives will show up to my house in black suites, black glasses, and the iconic black Mickey Ears hat and set fire to my tree - all the while singing "Hakuna Matata".

     This is Pinchy Jr. Now, if there is a Pinchy Jr. , then that must mean that there is a Pinchy Sr. Therefore, I was correct about the second entry. Why didn't I just rework this so that no one had to know that I wasn't sure about the names in the first place? Oh well. I just heard a plane fly overhead, its probably Disney.

     Mr. Satan is probably my vote for Best Crustacean. The design team spent a lot of time on this plush. The first thing I notice is that he has blue eyes. (Why am I so compelled to look at their damn eyes?!!??) Secondly, he is wearing a life preserver. I don't think that I could go to Red Lobster and pick out a lobster to eat if it looked up at me with those sad blue eyes while struggling to stay afloat in its custom made life preserver. Lastly, I think the design team was shooting for antennas or feelers. What they got were devil horns. If they were a little lower I could construe them as a big ol' dirty sanchez mustache. If we stand up Mr. Satan so that his horns are sticking up, he looks like a Hellboy Lobster.

     This is Carrot. Carrot better not win as he is a species that does not exist and will never exist. The platypus makes more sense than whatever the hell Carrot is supposed to be. Carrot has long bushy fur and the head of a crocodile. Furthermore I am not sure what to make of the antennas on its head. They look like they would be a huge evolutionary disadvantage as they serve no practical purpose other than a handle for predators to grab out Carrot's species directly out of shallow water. My only theory as to what Carrot may be is a pre-larvae form of Teddy Ruxpin's best friend, Grubby.

     Your last contestant is Camo. Camo was a dog toy that was spared the fury of canine teeth. I may still have Camo somewhere. If he gets no votes, he will be given as a Christmas gift to the Yorkies.

     So there you have it. All the crabs I have pictures for from my college days. I want to know who you think are the best and why. Winner will be revealed tomorrow night!! Post now!