Fertile Snow People

Years on the Tree: 1

Received: Purchased by Rachel in anticipation of Luke

Fun Fact: Rachel and I both wanted a girl mainly because we have a consensual agreement that girl outfits are a lot cuter than boy outfits. Rachel was so sure that we were having a girl that she spent a good amount of time and energy making a blanket comprised of no less than two dozen shades of pink. The blanket was given to our niece. 

     I became a dad at the very end of 2011 – December 28^th to be exact. Having a baby boy has changed most every aspect of my life. Even now, as I sit and write in my living room, I look out at a floor covered in Playskool dinosaurs, Ninja Turtles, and Transformers and think “Crap, I have to clean up my toys before Luke wakes up.”

     Having a little baby boy around the house has proven to be quite the challenge at times and other times it is the most rewarding experience in the world. All the sleepless nights and would-be fun events I have to pass on are all forgotten when I see my son stumbling across the room in just a diaper with the Wii remote babbling to himself in his own undecipherable language. Speaking of diapers; I had never changed a diaper before Luke came along. Now, it seems like it is a part of my everyday routine to come home still dressed in my uniform (tie, dress shirt, dress pants ) where I am “greeted” by my wife (Uniform: sweat pants, loose fitting t-shirt from my closet) presenting me with a child who has both smelt it and dealt it for quite some time. However, I was there in the hospital when he was born and I can say that it is no problem for me to change a dirty diaper every now and then considering the trauma Rachel went through. (The lasagna she ordered from room service was cold.)

     My bundle of joy was born December 28^th 2011 which means two things: 

1          1.  Our son will always secretly hate his mom and dad for having a “Christmas Birthday”. (Twice the celebration, half the presents.)

2          2.  Owning a “Baby’s First Christmas” Ornament for our 2011 tree would have been a complete falsification. He missed the deadline.

     We still wanted to buy Luke an ornament for Christmas 2011, but we could not come up with anything based on the dilemma that he was no quite yet “out and about,” thus disqualifying him from the first Christmas criteria. Well, my wife didn’t want to pass up a chance to spend money so she searched around on the Internet and found this:

     Yes this is on my tree. What better way to convey that someone is anticipating the birth of a child at or around Christmas time than an ornament of a male snowman coddling a female snow person with a baby bump. The makers of the ornament don’t want to make any mistake that there is a baby on the way by indiscreetly putting “BABY” in bold letters with an arrow pointing down. 

So many questions:

Can snowmen be birthed as well as made? (Perhaps a loophole if I cannot find an old silk hat of which there must be some magic.)

Would she know the difference between her water breaking and the arrival of Spring?

Is a snowperson to be presumed pregnant if the base is made proportionally larger to that of the remaining upper two sphere segments? (I am sure I could come up with a Pregnant Snowman Theorem had I not been a product of the Integrated Math system from high school.)

Would she give birth to a snowball?

What if the snowball was black?

     Overall, I think the ornament definitely belongs on the DeFelice family tree for years to come. This year, we can give Mrs. DeFelice yet another chance to spend some money and get a traditional “Baby’s First Christmas” Ornament. It will probably just be a boring ol’ ornament with a blue something on it that everyone who had a boy this year will be purchasing. That is why I love Fertile Snow People: they are such an anomaly that you can’t possibly dislike them. My only hope is that Future Luke doesn’t ask too many questions about the ornament and its implied meaning. 

Future Luke: Dad, where do babies come from? Specifically snowmen babies??

Future Me: What made you think of that question, son?

Future Luke: There is a female snowperson who stomach has an arrow pointing down to the word ‘BABY’ on the tree and I want answers.

Future Me:  Do you know where human babies come from?

Future Luke: Stork

Future Me: Same process but with Ziploc Freezer bags. Goodnight.