Robots in Disguise or Ornaments in Plain Sight?

Years on the Tree: 3-4 Years

Acquired: Gifts from the very siblings who have tried to have Interventions to get me to stop collecting. We call these people 'enablers'

Fun Fact: Transformers are armed with little guns and swords to protect your virginity. They fought a winning battle over me for many, many years.

     So at my workplace we are bearing down for the dreaded Week Before Christmas Sale/Death March. Door to floor – anything and everything is coming out of the stockroom and onto the shelves in hopes of being sold as that “last minute gift” but more importantly raise our sales at all cost (Door -$50. Floor – Make Offer).  When I say everything, I mean everything. Even my manager said to get the Weather Radios out of the valuable cage and put them out in hopes that someone will A) Buy them and B)Give the worst gift ever given to anyone, ever.

[Christmas Morning 2012]

Me: (Handing out presents) ..And here’s one for Rachel.

Rachel: (Begins opening present) Awww honey you know we don’t have the money. I really apprec- (Looks at unwrapped Weather Radio) Thanks. You know I have a smart phone that has weather warnings.

Me: Yes, dear, but this only does ONE thing.

[Christmas Morning 2013]

Rachel: (Handing me a poorly wrapped bundle) Here.

Me: Thanks honey. I am going to love this pres- DIVORCE PAPERS!!! NO!!!

Weather Radio: [---BEEP---LOW BATTERY --- BEEP ---LOW BATTERY]

     But anywho, we are selling a lot of crap and it is only going to get worse as we get closer to December 25^th. This week we will be selling a lot of stocking stuffer items which means smaller, crappier items that cannot stand alone as a gift all by their lonesome. Our most popular stocking stuffer is and always will be Hot Wheels cars. Hot Wheels are awesome because they are a little gift with a lot of history and personality. Now, we also sell Speed Wheels which are like a generic Hot Wheel. Speed Wheels aren’t as cool, aren’t as neatly packaged, I don’t think they roll very well, and they maybe toxic, but other than that they are pretty much a true facsimile to the real deal. We have had the Speed Wheels on sale already. The six people who came in and bought them are currently settling their law suits with my company. 

     But next week….oh next week….the Hot Wheels go on sale which means the Hot Wheels collectors will be out in full force. True Story: Last week we were unloading the truck at my store and four shippers of Hot Wheels came off and I joked to another manager saying, “How long do you think until some guy makes us open these in front of him?” Within 10 minutes I get a page over the intercom that a Hot Wheels collector saw that our truck was delivering and wanted to look at the shippers. 

     I wish I was lying….oh how I wish I was lying.

     The year previous it was my first day at my new store up in St. Joseph, Missouri (Motto: We did all we could do about the smell. Please accept this Cherry Mash) when a Hot Wheels collector started telling me how the previous manager was, and I quote, a “rat” who would go through the boxes and take out all the good ones for himself. The adult male then told me if I only knew half of what he went through in his pursuit to collect Hot Wheels as a hobby. I did what I get paid to do – apologize and walk away – when all I wanted to do was ask the following:

Did you ever drive to not one, not two, but three different Wal-Marts after midnight the night the Transformers Movie toys came out? One of which in another county?

Have you ever set an alarm on your phone to wake up at 3:00am on a school night in order to snipe a bid on a custom built Dodge Ram Optimus Prime auction on ebay?

Have you ever converted US dollars into whatever the hell currency they use in Singapore in order to pay for the previous auction? 

When you buy your children’s toys  at Target do you sheepishly say ‘yes’ when the cashier asks if you want a gift recent or do you have the Energon Cubes to say, “No, this is for me.”

And then I would say, “So maybe I do have an idea, I just have never brought another adult into the transaction. Now grow the hell up.”

     So needless to say, I have been a collector of Hasbro’s Transformers for pretty much my entire coherent existence and now, having a son, it looks like I have an excuse to keep it going. For those who are not 100% sure what a transformer is I have to share a quick story. In 2006, my college ministries pastor was focusing on a scripture that used the word ‘transform’ in it and asked the question “So who here can tell me what a Transformer is?” I could actually feel the heat from the collective stares of anyone who knew me in the relatively large group as they looked at me instantaneously as if a cue to stand up and start reciting the gospel according to Soundwave.  Before I could respond someone who probably had sex before said something to the extent of “It was an 80s cartoon where good and bad robots turned into cars and jets.” I grade the answer as “Fair”. I was only a few seconds away from making the individual sound like a complete nerd with my answer of “Transformers essentially chronicles the intergalactic war between the Heroic Autobots led by Optimus Prime and the evil Decepticons led by Megatron as they battle for the fate of the universe.”

     As for the toys themselves some of them are more complex than others. My friend, Tom, has always questioned my infatuation because he sees a truck (vehicle mode) and then the truck has arms and legs pop out(robot mode) or he sees a jet (vehicle mode) and now the jet has arms and legs (robot mode). 

     I would correct him if he wasn’t absolutely correct.

     I have bought many in stores and on ebay and I have sold many. Although I don’t buy as much as I used to since having a wife, two dogs, a baby, a mortgage, and other things that don’t shoot missiles - don’t be surprised if one slips into the cart every once in awhile. My love for the franchise made its way to the tree a few years ago with these two ornaments:

Transformers the movie from my brother:

Transformers Animated from my sister:

I love the Optimus Prime because he adds a completely different feel than the other ornaments. He just looks cool and has a lot more detail than the others. He is actually just an action figure with a keychain out of his head. He technically is not an ornament; however, based off of our destination established on Day 1: “If it hangs, it’s an ornament.” I tried using it as a keychain, but it is just a little too large for comfort’s sake.

Keys + Optimus Prime + Small front pockets = A painful gouging of my Unicron (if you catch my drift).

The second ornament is a more traditional ornament. It features the cast of the Transformers Animated series which was a cartoon aired between the first and second movie. I like the ornament except for the fact that it is a Transformers ornament that doesn’t truly embody the transformers spirit. It needs something more. It needs…arms and legs.

Roll out.