Filthy Stained One-Eyed Santa

     Don’t look at me. I’m hideous. Ho Ho Hack…>>Cough, Cough<< (snort).  I used to be somebody. I used to be the ornament whose eggnog brought all the toys to the yard back when Santa’s sack was bulging with pride. It sucks being the oldest handmade ornament on the tree. No one scanned me at a register because I was HANDMADE.  Do you see any tags that say “Made in China”? No! But guess what? That other crap is still on the tree and I’m not. They took my job!! If I were a piece of plastic made to last forever in a factory by machines my jolly red butt would still be up there.  The other ornaments kicked me off the tree for not being “Christmas Tree Material” anymore. I may be a filthy stained one-eyed Santa, but I have been hangin n’ bangin’ on this tree longer than any of these jingle dumbbells.  In fact, I may be the oldest ornament on the tree. Those Sons of Grinches are getting a lot more than just coal in their stockings this year. 

     “Merry Days,  well they'll pass you by. Merry days in the wink of a young elf’s eye. Merry days, Merry days.”  Look at this face. So young. So youthful. So having two eyes. What happened? How can I look so haggard for only working one night a year? And I don’t even work every year. Most of the time I call in sick.  A few years ago, Vince Vaughn had to deliver the presents. Then, a few years before that Will Ferrel had to help. Seriously, watch how many Christmas specials are out there titled something to the extent of “______ Saves Christmas.” Even Ernest had to save Christmas one year. ERNEST!!! What the hell kind of job do I have where anybody including Ernest is a viable option as a replacement? Hey Verne, way to raise and lower the bar.

[Christmas Eve at the North Pole. Santa’s Bed Quarters]

Santa [lying in bed]: My dear wife, I just don’t think I can fly the sleigh this year. But who will deliver the toys?

Mrs. Clause [thumbing through Rolodex]: Well, we can get One Direction, Grimace, a Velociraptor, that thing that used to run around going “Honeycomb, Honeycomb, ME WANT HONEYCOMB”, or a rocking chair with a fake bear taped to it.

Santa: Better go with Velociraptor.

     “I close my eye, only for a moment and the moments gone. Snow in the wind. All we are is snow in the wind”. Look, I know I may not be the most attractive ornament on the tree these days, but to give me the boot is tragic especially since I don’t have legs for boots. I have pink skin which is covered by a beard made of Bumble pubes which somehow starts above my forehead. I guess completing the package is that the iconic color of my rosy cheeks (traditionally rose colored) has been replaced by diarrhea.

Okay, so maybe I am not as good as I once was, but at least I am out there trying every single December. If I go, who do they think will replace me?

    Blitzen piss!!! I can’t compete with this!!! It’s the kind of ‘new’ that you don’t want to even open because you know you aren’t even worthy to touch it. It’s a decoration, an ornament, a tradition; I even think this guy got a book deal. There is no way that I can get back on the tree if this is the new competition coming down the line. Why do I have to reinvent myself? Why can’t I just be me? Why do I have to do something that rhymes? The word “elf” is so much easier to rhyme. So catchy. I’d like to see him play the cards I’ve been dealt. 

“Santa on Montana” 

“Santa on a Fanta”

“Santa Needs Mylanta”

None of these sound the least bit marketable. I guess I am just going to go back to the curb for Jolly Old Saint Piece of Crap....

Plopper:  No, filthy stained one-eyed Santa. You cannot go. You must stay.

Santa:  Plopper, I’ve got nothing left. I got booted from the tree and the competition is superior in everyway!!

Plopper: Your place is now and forever on the tree, filthy stained one eyed Santa. For you see, year after year the ornaments that we make from scratch, that we glue together, that we steal from Pinterest and when people ask about it we are downright giddy to reply “I got the idea from Pinterest dur da dur”, YES…these are the ornaments that mean the most. Just look at the ornaments your son made today. You will keep them forever – not because they will last forever – but because they will take you back to how old you were and how old he was whenever you see it. They will not last the longest. They will lose stuffing and pieces and perhaps all their glitter, but rest assured these are the ornaments most beloved on the tree, not the store bought ones. 

Santa: So it is okay that I have diarrhea on my face? 

Plopper: No, filthy stained one-eyed Santa, it is not. But it is okay that the color of your rosy cheeks has faded. You where it well and may you stay forever young. 

Santa: Did you just quote Ghandi?

Plopper: No, Rod Stewart. Now I must go, my planet needs me.

Santa: You’re an alien?

Plopper: No, but it only adds to the mystery of the December 5^th Blog entry. Good bye [Exits]

Santa: For a guy that started every sentence with “No”, he sure brought a positive spin to my day. Looks like it is back to the tree for me!!!

Filthy Stained One-Eyed Santa by Michael DeFelice

(Loosely Sung to the tune of “Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer”)

Filthy Stained One Eyed Santa, kind of looked a bit retarded,

And if you ever smelled him, you would have assumed he sharded.

All of the other ornaments, treated Santa very naughty, not nice.

They never hung out with Santa, as they didn’t want to contract head lice.

Then on December 8^th one year, Michael came to say:

“Oh piss it’s 5pm and I need to write, Santa won’t you be my ornament tonight?”

Then all the ornaments hated him less, and they shouted out definitively,

Filthy Stained One Eyed Santa, we’ll feed you to….the….Yorkie!!