It's beginning to look a lot like a Stegosaurus Christmas

 So everyone has their first memories. Some are I'm sure inexplicable while others are down right systematic given the scenario and the time frame when our brains started retaining snapshots from the world around us.  My first memories are of dinosaurs. Even looking now at my son's toys and pajamas there is a very good chance that dinosaurs could be of his first memories as well. His first word may even be "Triceratops". (Actually, his first word will probably be "Sadie" given the fact that we are always reprimanding our dog at all hours of the day.) But for me to tell you that just dinosaurs in general make up my first memories would be sort of an umbrella term considering that my memories are from a specific manufactured toy from a specific toy line: Dino Riders. 

Are there naysayers to my claim? Given everything that I have written about in such detail over this past month, you had best un-nay yourself.

The toyline came out about a year before I was born. I don't need to get into specifics of the franchise, but for all intensive purposes you just need to know that it involved the battle between Good vs. Evil.  If we delve deeper into the plot I can tell you that it involves the battle between Good vs. Evil using dinosaurs. If we delve deeper still I can tell you that it involves the battle between Good vs. Evil using dinosaurs (ancient past) with lasers and beam-shooting cannons (fictitious future) attached to them.

I know this was a huge part of my early years because I can remember a specific place, voices, and what I was doing.

First Coherent Memory :

 I was sitting in my living room in Chicago and my dad got me the pinnacle of all dinosaur toys: The Dino Riders Tyrannosaurus Rex. This was a massive toy that came with a pretty hefty price point for the late 1980s. It would take a lot of saved allowances and considering I was only 3 when it came out that would mean a very limited chore list. I couldn’t mow any lawns and I couldn’t do any laundry. I probably couldn’t even lift the trash.Toys like this had to be purchased based off of parent love alone. T-Rex has no less than 30 individual pieces and attachments - many of which probably were lost down heating vents or buried in sand early in its existence. However, he was about as tall and I was and walked which means Rexy was pretty darn close to a friend. I ended up aquiring another one on ebay about 10 years ago, but sold it to pay for college tuition/engagement ring/other crap that doesn't shoot lasers beams.

Second Coherent Childhood Memory:

 

The Dino Riders Brontosaurus was my second childhood memory. I did not own this one as a kid because I did not deserve this as a four year old....no child deserved this. Only the richest kings of Europe could afford these for their children. This one cost almost $80 and remember, we are talking late 1980s toys here. Basic Ninja Turtle figures were $4 at Walmart. That would be like saying, "Dad, I want twenty ninja turtle figures in one purchase." Whereas the T-Rex was thought to be one of the biggest toys ever made, the Brontosaurus was over three feet long and came in a box literally the size of my the ottoman in my living room furniture set. The memory that I have of it is being pushed around in a cart as a very, very young boy and seeing this up on a shelf high atop the regular shelves at Toys 'R' Us. At over 3 foot long and chock full of weapons it was truly a sight to behold. I have never seen this toy in person which means with only ONE shopping day until Christmas it doesn't look like I am going to get it this year. In the event that anyone of my eight readers has this toy I am willing to donate a kidney in your honor for its possession; both kidneys if it is still in the box.

So I know I didn’t get the Tyrannosaurus Rex for Christmas because I would have remembered that. I think I got him either as a birthday present or a “I have a son” Gift from my dad. I love getting my son random objects of affection. Right now, he seams to be a big fan of whatever he can put in his mouth. This is why Random Objects of Affection cannot necessarily be “random”.  

So  why is it that I am talking about Dino Riders? It is because the Dino Riders Stegosaurus is the very first Christmas present I remember. 

 If it ever comes up, the Stegosaurus is not only my first coherently received Christmas present, but also my favorite animal. We had an ice breaker question one day at church in our small group. The question was: "What is your favorite animal?" "Dog" was a very popular response and I seem to recall hearing "eagle" as well. 

I was the only person who had to defend my answer of "Stegosaurus".

Anywho, the Dino Riders Stegosaurus was given to me by my Uncle Bob. Now, we had no actual relationship to the man we called Uncle Bob, but a lot of people in our lives the title of Uncle or Aunt was bestowed as a sign of respect. Without question, Uncle Bob pulled through and got me the Stegosaurus Dinorider. 

The original one that was purchased back in 1989 is long gone. However, a few years ago, my dad was at a vintage toy store we frequented in Chicago and found another one...in the box which makes the Toy Story 2 collector in me squirm with delight.

Over 25 years old and still ready to rock.

Fun and informative.

So, what would be a look back at my first remembered Christmas present without my first ornament.

The creators of the ornament decided to go with the baby receiving a new puppy for Christmas and not a Stegosaurus. I understand their thought process. If I had been on a panel to decide what image was to appear on the ornament I do believe I would be shot down 12-1 on this one.

So my "Baby's first ornament" ornament is on the tree and ready to go for this year. But it will not be the only one of its kind on the tree this year.

So here is Mr. Luke's first ornament on the tree picturing his first visit to Santa. He was not afraid of Santa like so many other children were. He was a beard-tugger though. I didn't get to hear what Luke asked for in his undecipherable baby speak, but here is what Santa Claus is leaving under the tree:

So before you get up and look at the calendar to see if it is the year 1987 I will spare you a trip. (It's not)

It is 2012 and Fisher Price has "borrowed" a few ideas from the Dino Riders toy line and brought out these dinosaurs covered in weapons and construction equipment. Luke has a few of these and he is a huge fan of the Apatosaurus and the Pterodactyl. Now, he's got another dinosaur to stomp around the house with this year.

 I am not sure what this '3-8' means on the front of the package, but I know that my one year old son is going to love this toy.

So I think that you can agree that there are some similarities here.

So there you have it. Two Stegosaurus dinosaur toys will be opened on Christmas Day this year. For Luke it will be his first. For me it will be a revisit from over 23 Christmases ago. I hope you all enjoy your Christmas Eve! Tomorrow is the grande finale!                                                        

Twas the night before Christmas Eve

(The rhythm of the poem is loosely based on "The Night Before Christmas"
.........loosely.)

Twas the night before Christmas Eve and here on the tree,
many ornaments were pissed they didn't get a blog entry.

Some are meticulously handmade and took hours to craft,
so why did Barney Gumble get his own day? He's drunk on a a draft.

Handcarved Giraffe is besides himself and disapproves,
(he's flipping me off, but he only has hooves.)

And Mr. Stained Glass Frosty is upset and thinks I'm an oaf,
"I'm crying icicles instead of tears," he says. Just like Meatloaf.

So why won't these ornaments get off my back?
How am I supposed to write 2,000 words about a plaque?

Take this one for instance, it tells its own tale,
it means nothing to me. It's my wife's. It's for sale.

We've seen plenty of ornaments that do not belong,
as any form of tradition. Some are just plain wrong!!!

Like this ornament is festive and deserves plenty a word,
instead I wrote about yorkies...Godzilla....even a turd!

All the ornaments that actually were about Christmas,
were put to the back burner, but never quite missed.

Because each ornament's own little story can't be taken away,
on the count of a Filthy, Stained One Eyed Santa in the way.

Every single branch can get its own story written,
Even Sebastian with his Oven mitt crab mittens.

This ornament says 'Luke' and this is its first year on the tree,
I promise they'll be more handmade next year...just wait and you'll see.

Like this one I made of me and my wife,
which captures in time a huge moment in life.

So you see, some have to be there like on so many family trees,
even this ball ornament and there's like..a dozen of these.

So ornaments, don't feel sad that you all didn't get time in the sun,
The past twenty-five days have been all kinds of fun.

But we aren't done yet, there's still two more to tackle,
and it is the whole reason I did this Advent debacle.

So tomorrow we look at the final two ornaments and then I am done,
They are 'My First Ornament' and the other is my son's.

If my wife says they're ornaments...THEY'RE ORNAMENTS!!!

I promised myself that I wasn't going to be that house owner that apologized profusely whenever someone came over.

"Sorry about the mess."

"I am soooOOOoooOO sorry about the house."

"We still haven't cleaned up from last night."

These are all ways to legitimize not having a clean house that make the host feel better about themselves. Honestly, if you make a mess, clean it up. If everyone in the house did just that you would have a house as clean as mine.....was......4 years ago.

See, we had a very clean little one level ranch home when we first started. Then we got a dog, and then another dog. The dogs cannot clean up after themselves which really sucks considering how often they find and shred things they are not supposed to (A quick list of things they aren't supposed to find and shred: Everything.) One time I watched from the bedroom what our male dog, Bentley, was doing for recreation when he's not barking at squirrels, neighbor dogs, or random patches of grass he believes need to be barked at on that particular day. Bentley would go into the bathroom and grab a small piece of trash from the waste basket and then drag it under the bed. Then he would, go back to the waste basket and grab another piece of trash and do the same thing.

I watched him do this for a few minutes before I ruined his fun. Rachel and I moved the bed and lo and behold it was like someone put a ghost in wood chipper. There were just torn pieces of paper everywhere under the bed. Bentley watched us clean it up which could turn out to be a huge tissue issue because I doubt he has stopped the behavior; He just has found a better hiding spot.

So Rachel and I had a pretty good handle on the housework. I think sometimes the chore chart leans a little heavy my way, but then again I won't complain too too much about this factor since a lot of my time is spent cleaning up after messes I made in the first place. The "mistake" came in thinking that we were going to continue to keep this same cleaning regiment and have a clean house after we had a baby.

Anybody who has had a baby please regain your composure and continue reading. Thank You.
Anybody who has not yet had a baby stop reading this blog immediately and go out and live. Leave the house because you can leave the house without having to plan. Chances are you have money and it is a Saturday night. Go before it is too late. Make haste!!!

So needless to say everything has changed in our house cleaning regiment since having a baby by which I mean we just don't clean the house anymore. If I fold laundry in his presence he wants the article of clothing that is on the bottom of the stack. If I put his toys into a toy container then this prompts him to stop what he is doing and want these toys either in his possession or where he placed them (the floor...in no particular location...just the way he likes them). If we are in the kitchen doing dishes it means everything that is approximately 27 inches from the floor is either going to be 'Reversed by Luke'. Here are a few examples of Luke's 'Reversed by Luke' mental process:

-These items are in the refrigerator. They need to be outside of the refrigerator. 
-This pot is on a shelf. It needs to go on the floor.
-This cabinet door is closed. It needs to be opened.
-This can is on a shelf, not moving. It should be on the floor, rolling.
-This water intended for the dogs is in a bowl. It needs to be out of the bowl and placed in a new container (the floor).

So whereas we used to apologize for messes, we now usually can get away with the following lines said to our guests at the front door:

"We have a kid. Sorry."

"We have a kid. The gates are for your protection."

"Were you planning on having any(more) kids? Here's one!"

So Rachel wrote on the calendar that today is the day that we were going to "Super Clean!" on the calendar.

I only have Saturdays off. You can see what my contributions are to the calendar.

So today we did some hardcore cleaning. We took turns watching Luke and just were able to get some stuff done around here. However, as I was approaching the tree to grab today's ornament, I noticed a few "visitors" to the Christmas Tree.

Let me explain. Rachel and I have always been "Displacement Cleaners". For a year, our house was spotless with the exception of one room that we had dubbed "The Crap Room" because it literally looked like a rummage sale was going on at all times. Then when "The Crap Room" became Luke's bedroom we really didn't fix anything. What we did is we made "Rachel's Sewing Room" into the New and Improved "Crap Room with a sewing machine in it". So, the "ornaments" that you see here are not really ornaments per se; however, my wife believes that they do not belong on the counters or refrigerator anymore. Thus, they are on the tree for all to see based on this Flow Chart:

Coffee table > Refrigerator >Christmas Tree >Scrap Book > Trash

Dinosaur Kite

Luke (8 months) made this at the fall festival with a little help from his mom and dad. This is now right beneath the star of our tree. I can't tell if he likes it as every time we hand it to him he tries to break it or put it in his mouth. But it is on the tree. High up so he can't get anywhere near his kite.

Is it an ornament?: No, but Rachel wants it in the tree and she said our son made it. As for him making it, he was present, but we'll keep it. 

Larry Wazowski

Larry is if Mike from Disney's Monsters, INC. had a goofy cousin who lived under power lines. Luke made this around Halloween time. Larry has made his presence known. His first order of business: Pimp Slap the Yorkie.

Is it an ornament?: No. And furthermore, I do not like the idea of a one-eyed monster hanging from my tree. But Rachel wants it in the tree, and so Larry Wazowski shall stay.

Japanese 'Luke'/Algebraic Expression

Luke has this made for him at a Parents as Teachers: Christmas Around the World demonstration. I hope the scrawling above say "Luke". I always wondered about this kind of stuff. The kind lady in the booth could have written a lot of fowl Japanese slang and just claimed that it was the name of each respective child. It could also turn out to be Y1-7. I don't know if this is the first part of the algebraic expression or not so let's hope for Japanese curse words.

Is it an ornament?: No, it is a sheet of paper. But it may contain the name "Luke".

Run, Run As Fast As You Can......

I used to be a big Hater when it came to retail stores putting out all their Christmas crap before Thanksgiving (November)...or before Halloween (October)....or before Back-to-School Season (August). Then I entered the world of retail management and now I know The Awful Truth and I am not referring to the terrible Gerard Butler film. (Imbedded Fun Fact: Gerard Butler is in 'Phantom of the Opera'. He is the phantom and my wife absolutely loves a man that can both sing and is as ripped as King Leonidas. Gerard Butler: 2, Michael - 0).

The Awful Truth of which I am referring is that the merchandise you see stocked and represented on the store shelves probably has been sitting in the back of the store for months before actually making it out of the warehouse box. Even today, I was pricing Christmas trees and stocking stuffers when a big ol' truck shows up at the back of the store and gives me Valentines (February 14th....and it will not be long until Easter baskets start rolling off the belt either.)

The way to stay at least one step ahead is to get the crap out and in your customers' faces as soon as possible and with Christmas, there is a lot of steaming "merchandise" to shovel. So here's what when from my shovel to my cart.

When these guys first came in (September/October) I was like "Awesome!" Then I saw the price. Six bucks for a cookie flavor I don't like covered in a variety of candy that is not good on its own that I have to make myself using unflavored icing as an adhesive. No deal, Howie. Too much money, too much time, and not enough food. Once we factor in tax, you have to figure that this bad boy here costs as much as a Chipotle burrito. It is understood that both will give me uncontrollable bowel movements, but I could never live with myself knowing that Rachel gave/allowed me money for two Chipotle burritos and I pulled a 'Jack and the Giant Beanstalk' and brought back two Gingerbread Men for dinner instead.

Well that's just what I did. Never even saw the Magic Beans. There are beans in Chipotle burritos, but what they do to me ain't magic.

Actually, these guys were on Super Clearance because a lot of people thought the same thing I did. PLUS today was 25% Employee Discount day which means that I get an additional 10% off for surviving the grief that is the Christmas season. (Today is 12/21/12 - The Day the Mayan Calendar predicted would be the end of the world. I think it is funny that my company made TODAY the 25% Discount Day. Too funny.) So basically, I got these guys for cheap. This fact will not make the stale gingerbread taste any better mind you; it just means that I can walk away from this debacle knowing that somewhere, somebody made the same mistake...at full price.


Here are the Nutritional Facts:

Oh wow. They really expect this cookie monstrosity to have 10 servings? I think a large pizza from Papa Johns has 4 servings. I think it is crazy. So if I sat and ate this thing all by myself (which is always a possibility in this household.

Me: (driving home from work) Hey Rachel did you making anything for dinner tonight?

Luke: (in background): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Me: Okay. Leftovers sounds good to me, too.

According to the 'Nutritional' Facts, I would be ingesting 1500 calories. And did you see that Sodium count? 125mg which X 10 would make me retain enough H20 for my son to use me as a waterbed. The box includes some decorating ideas which as you know are unobtainable aspirations for what you could do and not what you will do. If anything, they should have really bad portrayals of Gingerbread Men creations as a confidence booster.

The pic on the left is clearly a Chippendale's Dancer Gingerbread Man. Every time I look at it, Loverboy's 'Everybody's Working for the Weekend' starts playing. I think the second Gingerbread Man should have been a very fat Chris Farley-esque Gingerbread Man. The pic on the right is intended to be a happy, festive winter Gingerbread Man, but the ends of his scarf looks like a broken rope and so I believe that this Gingerbread Man was hanged. His crime you ask? Running - possibly fast - from a crime scene. His smile is a smile of contentment because he is now at peace from his inner gumdrop demons. If Gingerbread Men were used as Rorscharch Tests I would be placed in a mental hospital. Fancy me crazy, but did you not see the '666' on the Gingerbread Man's forehead??

 "Run. Run. As fast as YOU can. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!

So here is a blank slate GM (as it will be known for the remainder of the post).

And here is how my wife decorated hers.

Overall, she did a fantastic job and raised the bar for me. This is going to be tough to beat. Even the dogs want to get in on the action.

Sadie: On my signal, unleash hell.

Bentley: If we eat any of it we'll die.

Sadie: Then we wait.....

So Rachel raised the bar. But I took my GM decorating into a different direction. This has been a rough few weeks on me.

My soul has no peppermint buckles.

My Christmas spirit ran out of gumdrop buttons.

This is my inner Gingerbread Man:

I call him Gingy, Gingy the Pirate. I only used two pieces of the bag full of candy that was provided - a fact my wife pointed out as she made no attempt to cover her disapproval. He may not be glamorous, but he is my 2013 depiction of a Gingerbread man.

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things will cut you.

You're not gonna see these babies on Pinterest

Years on the Tree: Every year since 1991
Acquired: Made in the Proud USA
Fun Fact: My wife cleaned the front of the refrigerator off today. There is nothing on it at all. I hope she knows that when Luke starts making art projects we aren't going to know what color the fridge is.  

I wish arts and crafts didn't have to stop in Middle School. I think it was a fundamental part of school that should be a constant part of the curriculum at every step academia. I would have gotten a lot more out of higher level education if at least one class period a semester my college instructor left her copy of 'Leaves of Grass' at home and brought in a big box full of googly eyes and pipe cleaners. I was a rockstar at Arts and Crafts in my Middle School. I mean, there were no grades given and people didn't really take it seriously. In fact, a lot of people usually spent the designated hour talking and joking and did the same thing I spent the whole time period on in about ten minutes. Their projects may even have been better, but if there had been some award for arts and crafts...I probably would have covered it with googly eyes and pipe cleaners.

I loved that Arts and Crafts in Middle school meant that we could do some sort of Christmas Ornament project. Not only did it give me a chance to not have to learn anything, but it also gave me a chance to make a present which means that I did not have to buy a present.

Me: Thanks Uncle Steve for the Sega Genesis. I hope you like your pine cone covered in glitter.

Uncle Steve: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME UNCLE STEVE AGAIN!!!

Me: I made it for you....with love.

Steve: If I can find it at the bottom of a tree, it's not a gift.

Me: [Playing opening level of Sonic the Hedgehog] BESTGIFTEVER!!!!

So I thought we would look at a few ornaments that cannot be purchased down at Walmart. They can't be found on ebay (yet). They are one of a kind originals made by me through the great halls of John V. Leigh School.

This ornament was made in kindergarten which is both a time frame and an excuse for this one. It is supposed to be a bell based off the fact that on the underside of the ornament is one jingle bell. It doesn't ring now and I don't believe it rang in 1991. I know the date because I made no effort in 1991 to cut the yearbook identification strip off of the side or bottom of my picture which means nearly two thirds of the picture is not a picture of me at all. All the other kids cut theirs off of their ornaments but for some reason I decided not to. I think a group of girls had the scissors and I was so embarrassed to get up from my desk that I was willing to compromise the integrity of my ornament.

The Worse Case Scenario: They would have given me the scissors willingly but with some level of teasing.

The Best Case Scenario. They would have sat on me and used the scissors to trim back my bowl cut.

I am not sure the date on this ornament but you can tell I am still trying to hide my forehead from the world. Unfortunately, this ornament gets a 'C-' on the Arts and Crafts grading scale. The sleds are pre-made and the strings on the sled are already in place. The only thing that we had to do was successfully cut out a picture of ourselves and place it in the middle of the sled.

That's it.

If I were a teacher, I would not do this as an Arts and Crafts project because you have to stop and think that the kids would be done with this one in like 5 minutes. I guess you can count watching the sled dry as part of the activity. Needless to say, I am not a teacher of 4th graders.

My older brother did the same ornament as a project at some point in his academic career at John V. Leigh school. His Busy Work Sled is superior because he got to add another five minutes of work onto his sled and add glitter. We are academically five years apart which means that the teacher we took who offered this project must have had a dumpster full of these tiny sleds. I can only hope that year after year kids are uniting their yearbook photos to these same tiny sleds. I wonder if she retired before or after she ran out of sleds. Maybe she retired because she ran out of sleds.

That same year, we also made a Christmas Door Ornament. Whereas the Sled Ornament took 5 minutes, this one looks like it would have taken a good chunk of time that could have been spent otherwise learning. This looks like it would have involved a lot of math which is a skill none of us had because we were spending all of out time gluing our yearbooks photos to various objects in the name of tradition. To this day, I have no idea what a Christmas Door is supposed to be. As I stare at it now, it could be:

-Lucy's booth from the Peanuts cartoon

-a carnival dunk tank

-a coffin

- a wanted poster

-an old school Gameboy featuring the worst game ever made, Fat Kid Does Nothing.

Finally, we have a star ornament which demonstrates my skills got worse that year. For some reason, I outlined the base of the ornament for a yearbook picture in the event that I could not find the middle of a star. As you can see I grossly exaggerated the size of what I thought would be the dimensions of the picture which really sucks because it seems all I did in school up to that point was cut out my yearbook photo.

The other thing about this ornament that I don't like is that there is glitter everywhere in my house. I mean everywhere.  My dogs have glitter on them. My ottoman has glitter on it. The camera I took these pictures with...covered. Year after year this ornament leaves a trail of glitter, yet there never appears to be any glitter missing from the ornament. Can anyone explain this Christmas phenomenon?  I guess if someone breaks into my home and leaves all the jewelry and electronics and goes for the ornaments I will be able to find him and end his life in a way most befitting of the crime. Death by glitter.

This is how my younger brother made his. As you can see, the Black Line of Sorrow is also on his star as well. This tells me that our teacher had no idea how large to make the Photo Goes Here box. That information still doesn't make the ornament look any better, but at least I can point fingers at my inadequacies. He used twice as much glitter and half as much glue. If I am going to go to sleep before midnight, I am going to have to start cleaning up glitter now.